I've been feeling powerful this week, my energy has been calm and I've been soaking in rays of stability and now-ness.
I was asked by a friend the other day, what 21 has been like for me and my mind directly went to explaining it in comparison to being 17. Maybe comparison isn't the correct word as the two are revealing themselves to be so similar to each other, instead, I think I use the term to emphasize the difference in my understanding of the situations, but within different mindsets, as I am the one who has changed, not necessarily the events.
17 was full of change, of hardships and it was a transitionary period. It was difficult to navigate and it was challenging to say the least, and although 21 seems quite the same in that aspect, my consciousness is far more present in getting me through every day. I am aware of how the two ages have brought me similar situations but as I am different and have a clearer idea of who I am or what I want; and, I can find peace and pride myself on that growth.
When I comprehend this thought though, it just seems to me as if we're all a part of some strange joke. A prank maybe, that we're playing on ourselves. I feel as though we are so far into a delusion that even recognizing it feels wrong, yet we all do recognize it, but choose to bury it deep and not think about it because well, what else are we meant to do?
(I hesitate to expand on that further because I believe I am more convincing when I speak about it, rather than when typing, but then again it differs depending on who I speak to as even a hint of self-doubt ruptures my train of thought and therefore my eloquence. Now I'm questioning whether I'm even good at either? I think I am but if my abilities are lost so easily by the presence of another's intellect, then am I truly good at it? Perhaps it's all insignificant (how ironic) and I'm an overly anxious person as a result of comparing myself to others but always reaching the same conclusion.)
But anyhow, I will attempt to speak type my mind more for myself than anyone else who stumbles across this post; as even if one does, in the end, they will realize that all judgment is so insignificant anyways.
What seems like a massive joke we have all deluded ourselves of, calling our reality, is the fact that we keep on living each and every moment with some sense of disease, discomfort, dissatisfaction, stress, or fear within us.
Not to say, I don't live this way, but I feel as though I keep encountering sudden realizations here and there where I truly think to myself- what is the point? and not in a depressing, "I want to die, everything is meaningless" sort of way- no, it's quite the opposite actually.
It feels like a joke that we all know that we only have about 85 years here (and even that's pushing it). We know that in the end, the only thing that will matter is the feeling of the present moment in which you are passing away (yes you will reflect on your life and all the memories, etc, but there is a moment of sudden self-presence) yet we live in this cycle day after day of anxiety, stress, and helplessness for the imagined future.
We're all aware of our time here, right? And, we are all aware of the fact that this will end, that everything is temporary, and that in the greater scheme of things- we are so insignificant.
I've been visualizing people I see, even myself, as little energy illuminations rather than seeing people in their human form. It's as if we are simply just clusters of energy, of consciousness that inhibits the outer human shell. Perhaps that illumination changes in color or vibrancy and strength according to how you react or present your thoughts and emotions to the world and to other energies, or what you hold close to your heart and let determine your life.
I think to myself then, shouldn't this make us recognize how powerful we are? How much we have to explore and experience? How significant we can make our lives because we are so insignificant?
If you truly think about it, are you making the most of the time you have here? Is our only purpose to get good grades, get a job, make money, be able to afford stuff, etc.?
I can't help but keep thinking about the fact that we've made these rules for ourselves- we've created our own pain. This society, the way it is constructed, to prioritize some, to give others none, to keep you unsatisfied, to keep fueling sadness. This system that keeps fueling our pain - haven't we created it all? How can we, and are we just letting this happen to us?
As harboring this human body, the outer shell, being this conscious energy form that deciphers and understands its own emotions, comprehends feelings - are we doing the most with what it has to offer?
Every time I feel something, respond or react to a situation or emotion that I hadn't predicted, regardless of overthinking and over-protecting myself by making sure I was ready to take on anything possible... When I feel something beyond the possibility of what I thought I could feel or would encounter I am truly taken aback as to how obscure, how unique, and how intense these emotions can be.
How someone else will never feel something that you do - they can share it with you, but your emotions will always be yours only, and you or no one else can even know for 100% that how or what you feel is the exact same. Empathy or sympathy is the closest we come to it, but it's absolutely baffling and disarming for me when a certain situation results in emotion I didn't think I could feel.
It seems as though the answer to one of the biggest questions - what is our purpose here? can be found through this thinking.
Isn't it just to relish in the fact that we can truly just be?
Even the shittiest of emotions- grief, sadness, loneliness, depression- are all a part of the human experience are they not? Whether you believe in reincarnation or not is a different topic, but regardless of it, you can't dismiss the truth- that you will never experience things the same way ever, ever again. Like emotion and the ability to comprehend it, express it, feel it and control it is such a minuscule difference between human beings and any other being or form, but it makes us so much more powerful. It gives us consciousness.
You have these 85 approx years to keep feeling and exploring what it is to be human- how this ability to be conscious is a gift, a very unique chance to live a life with such depth to it, one which can hold so much meaning and one that has so much to offer. Yet, we allow the fear- of failure, of disappointing or of being in debt or expressing yourself in ways that divert from the 'norm'- all obstacles we have created for ourselves and within ourselves that hinder us from recognizing the simplest truth of life.
I do know that when I think this way, it comes from a place of privilege. Of course, and hopefully, you as a reader would understand that this way of thinking I am able to exercise or am encouraging people to adopt, cannot be seen as an applicable or appropriate commentary towards the emotions, lives, and experiences of those in the contexts of war, famine, poverty, intellectual disability and such. But, I do believe that even a second of accepting the present moment and realizing the limited time you have here and how you make use of that time, as a grounding technique, can bring some sort of ease to anyone.
I know this may still not be applicable to many circumstances that I am oblivious to or ignorant of, but one where I can apply it or it has helped me, is one that I feel many can relate to as the context within which I am, and from which my anxieties emerge, is a context shared by many.
I was asked about a certain relationship in my life, and how I was dealing with it. I responded by saying that as long as that relationship adds to my life, not hinders my peace or happiness, I will allow it to be a part of my life, as, without it, I was satisfied and happy and don't need this relationship. That, if I feel like it is causing me more pain than pleasure then I will cut it out of my life because I am responsible for my own happiness and have the right to remove anything that disrupts that.
For a while that seemed like such a mature way of thinking- a way to live that will ensure my emotional stability and remove the most possibility of hurt, and I thought I was doing a great job with this mindset because especially for me- someone who is affected quite easily and on a very hard-hitting level when something goes wrong- because I was putting up my boundaries and choosing the life I wanted to live, through what I thought was 'protecting myself'.
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"Shouldn't you want to experience it, I mean, as a writer?"...
...The way you experience things, the way you use the time you have to feel (or not feel) certain things, are all in your control. So, shouldn't I use exactly that to my advantage, and yes, especially as a writer?
I should I want to do the most I can with my time here, I want to experience it all, I want to live through it and fight it and love it and be engulfed in the endless possibilities because I can. Because I truly have control over one thing and that is the state of my mind, how I react to things, how I let them affect me, and how I give them the power to make or break the rest of the experiences and emotions left to feel and explore.
Being in a shitty situation is only shitty because you get fixated on it and let it determine how you will act or how it will reflect on your future. A shitty situation can be great, and necessary for direction, but most make it into a negative, painful experience for themselves.
It sounds simple- to be in a situation and to learn from it, but it's just as easy to let it ruin you. I think it happens often, especially when depression and anxiety are in the mix, it makes it easier to trip into a downward spiral of self-loathing, hatred for others, discomfort with certain situations, or barricading certain events to happen in your life or from feeling certain things.
However, I think what I'm trying to do instead, now that I've thought it out differently, is realize that the power I hold over myself is far greater than anything that happens externally.
You have endless emotions to uncover and experiences to encounter within the given years of your life and I think being stubborn and sticking to certain ways or being rigid about change or how you perceive things seems like such a waste of potential.
I've found one thing that helps me with this, is utilizing what some may see as a limitation.
As we all thrive on communication, on understanding others' words and actions, which in turn leads us to react in a certain way or say certain things. But that in itself is so powerful. If you simply take a step back before you react or say something, recognize the power of silence. Recognize the power of being in control; of how you perceive things. Acknowledge that you may be wrong or that there may be another way to think about certain things. Or simply understanding that you don't always have to exhibit your thoughts or feelings immediately- gives you so much control over your life and how you live it.
A big thing I need to remind myself of often is the fact that I box myself up and label it. Or, I box up a certain way I feel, react or respond, and trap it, allowing for it to take over me, guide me and determine my future. Now, although it's something I'm still working on actively; not encasing heavy, negative, or destructive emotions/ reactions and giving other possibilities and assumptions the benefit of the doubt, what has been the most helpful is being kind to myself and my thoughts.
If a negative through, assumption, or conclusion arises within me, I've been trying to stabilize it and explore what other ways the situation that arose that initial negativity, actually has to offer, logically.
If my brain can conclude a very bad thing to result from what I've experienced, for example, then surely there are good or slightly less bad things that could also result from a situation?
The quote "It's never as good as you'd want, but it's never as bad as you'd dread", sums up the approach, I reckon.
I think I've realized that the one way to truly be in control and overall more perceptive about what or how you do things, is by realizing that your actions and words are the only way to really communicate something or to let something have power over you- example, if something makes you angry and you act out on that angry aggressively, then you've let that emotion overpower you and you've become a slave to it almost.
However, if you approach it differently, allowing yourself to feel the anger, but also taking a step back to recognize what triggered that emotion and realizing that you have the power to no let it bother you- that there may be other ways to look at the situation or act on it- being able to take a break, reflect on how you feel and then being consciously in-charge and in control of your following actions and words, makes life so much easier.
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Originally this post was going to be just phrases such as the ones below that I would write out to myself throughout the week that help me stay grounded and help clear the fog of anxious and depressive thinking I often find myself in.
I've still kept them in because they're much more accessible and simpler than reading all the above tangents, and in addition to the phrases, I've added in some scanned pages from my beloved writing book that has truly been on a magical ride with me the past few days. Not much is comprehensible from the pages, but it pleases me to add in the photos as a reflection of my cluttered thinking transforming into words, sentences, and paragraphs.
Also, it would be criminal not to mention The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, a book that has had a huge impact on me and helped me get out of my depressive state several times. Would recommend it to any and everyone.
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It will be okay. What you feel right now, won't last forever.
You get to experience this. It's all something you will look back at - maybe in a few weeks, months, or years. It feels like a lot right now, but one day it won't, and those emotions will transform into another.
The things that aren't working out now, that are stressing you out and overwhelming you, are so small. So tiny. In the current moment, it seems massive, but time heals and time passes and so does the intensity of these emotions.
Look at yourself- your body- the shell in which you exist and will for the rest of this experience- you are so small, things are so insignificant.
Lockdown gives me the ability to rest, to take things slow, to create, and to enjoy a quiet life.
What's happening right now is it. You just have to accept things for what they are rather than being stressed over it or wishing it wasn't this way because that won't change things. If you want things to be different, you have to change them.
Whatever ends up happening, you can make it through- rely on your instincts to handle situations rather than overanalyzing them from the beginning- thinking about all the possible situations doesn't solve anything- it creates stress.
You were happy and have the ability to be again. All feelings are temporary.
Things change so quickly, you don't even know.
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