Ending 2019

As the year comes to a close and we step into a whole new decade, I wanted to reflect on some happening in life - lessons I've learned and thoughts I've had; what I want to take with me going forward and what I've chosen to let go of, but learn from.

• A recent falling out with a friend group reminded me of the importance of allowing myself to trust my gut feeling, always. If something feels off, acknowledging it is so necessary! I know my anxiety can often heighten my paranoia but accepting the sense of doubt and lingering questions about my value when I'm around others, isn't something I should push aside. I know now not to dismiss my emotions and feelings for others. I know not to spread myself thin. No one but I can look out for myself.
  
  

• The second half of 2019 was the peak of my self-esteem. Contrary to what those around me might think based on my crude self- deprecating humour, I thought more than 5 times in the past few months that perhaps I wasn't bad looking or that maybe I won't let my weight define me and my self- worth. Although definitely still a work in progress and a server need to compare myself less to others, not take comments or remarks of others personally and to not seek validation, it was refreshing to feel good about myself.
  

• The above point was a result of conscious effort I have put in the last few months to revise and repeat to myself the mantras - "Why would I let myself feel that way?", "I have the power to control how I feel and how I react" and "What I think and feel cannot be heard nor judged by those around me. My thoughts are my own and will forever be. The one space I can truly, therefore, I shouldn't fear the freedom of myself". I cannot explain it in any other way but by saying that I simply flicked a switch in my head that lit the fluorescent wall decal piercing through my brain the luminous idea of my power and ability to control me.
  
  
• The frustration I experience of feeling unheard is just the result of not speaking out in the fear of rejection or ridicule. I've had more than plenty of experiences where I have chosen to stay quiet, only to then feel defeated and infuriated with myself when someone more confident in themselves got credit for an idea I could've just as easily expressed. This fear of being laughed at, that stems from past traumas, needs to be left just there, in the past. It's time to allow myself to speak my mind and accept that yes, maybe sometimes a judgment may follow, but that I can only use it to my advantage and build tougher skin. 

I hope going into 2020 and for the rest of the years to come I can continue to grow and reflect on my past using it to my benefit. 2019 was quite an interesting year, not bad in any way, just very different to any before. It was definitely a year of growing and maturing, learning how to let go of the past and how to keep control on my emotions.

Thank you to anyone who read my posts this year and supported my writing, whether it was here or on my Instagram (@aasthameow/ @enchantedclub). I am so grateful that I have this platform to share my works on and the support I get, nothing makes me happier. I hope this year was good to you and that the next is even better. I manifest nothing but happiness, growth and good health in 2020, for me and for you. All my love and best wishes, Aastha.