Okay, I'm back, and I'm hoping that
this time I don't go MIA for 4 months. To try and explain, not only to my
readers, but also to myself, where I've been and what I've been doing the past
4 months, I've decided that I'll just type out my stream of consciousness, in
the hopes of making sense to the both of us why writing hasn't been my
priority, or rather why I can't get myself to write.
I'm going to simply start off by
talking about the 3-month holiday I was on. After finishing the first year of
uni and starting my second year; from late October 2018, to early February of
2019, I was in Perth and Bali. I took this time to step away from writing and
creating content and called the retreat my 'much-needed break from writing'.
Did I need a break? Definitely not, and I regret it immensely now as trying to
get back into a routine of writing and making sense of my work has been
extremely difficult. It's like I've lost my ability to come up with content
that is meaningful or interesting to myself, and if I can't seem to enjoy my
own content, how can I expect other to have any interest in it? I'm severely
lacking in the ability to think outside the box and to come up with blog posts
which I feel are good enough to publish or showcase. Even during the course of
typing this out, I feel extremely frustrated with myself as I can't seem to
have my way with words as I used to.
I know what I want to say, and I know
what I feel, but trying to put the two together, into words that will express
myself has been torture. An addition to that has been the great sense of
pressure I feel is on me. Throughout the past few months, the number of people
telling me they like my poetry or my blog has increased by a lot, and despite
how grateful I am for all the support and positive feedback, there is now this
fear within me, of letting them and myself down, which has been disruptive, to
say the least. I try and sit down to work on a poem or post, but there is this
voice in my head, irritating me with the constant questions and self-doubt,
"Is this good enough?"; and yes, of course, I used to ask myself this
question before too, but now the question is no longer only being asked by me
to myself, but rather by the voices of hundreds.
I've been planning on making a few
posts about what I did during those 3 months, perhaps in a form of a picture
post with my Bali photos, a little travel post, along with a few poems, trying
to encapsulate the emotions I encountered during my vacation, (as there were a
lot, to say the least) but again, I feel as though I am no longer able to word
them in a way that will please me, or encompass what I want to put across.
Nothing I create seems to be satisfying. Nothing I come up with makes me proud.
On the plane back to Melbourne, I
wrote down a poem, and usually, when I write something out spontaneously and
then go back over it in a few days, I'm wowed at what I had come up with and
can easily edit it and be satisfied with the end result.
Yesterday, I decided to go to a park
nearby, sit by the river and try to write. I opened that poem and I couldn't
make sense of it. I had thought it would be so much better than what was on
those pages. It didn't wow me, it didn't make me proud of myself. I was so
disappointed with what I read. It's been so frustrating to be in this headspace
recently, especially because I've never experienced this sort of block before,
one that I forced upon myself by thinking I needed a break from writing.
It was overwhelming to sit there, try
to edit this piece of work, which I had thought I did so well on previously,
but have it turn out into a complete piece of nonsense. I even tried to look
over a few notes I had taken on my phone, about some feelings I wrote about to
try and guide me with a new poem, but I just couldn't seem to be able to come
up with anything that satisfied me.
This constant self- let down has been
demeaning and discouraging. I want to put out new stuff, I want to create, I
want to be able to write as before, but I'm just not able to. I keep trying to
remind myself that this could very easily be a temporary block caused due to
not having written for a fairly long period, losing my flow and that I'll be
back on it as long as I keep practicing and keep writing, and not be so harsh
on myself, but being here, right now is killing me.
I
put out a new video recently, as a start-up to some form of creativity. All I
can hope for now is that I keep on trying and don't let my current state of
mind get to me. I'm going to try and do more regular 'stream of consciousness'
posts, or honestly, any sort of blog posts, just to keep me writing and
practicing. I hope you'll come along with me on my journey of trying to restore
my skill and interest, and that soon I'll be able to come up with poems and
blog posts I'm pleased with, and ones that you'll enjoy too.
