Been a While

I've been back in Perth for about a month now (I would count the exact days but I don't want to depress myself), and it's been odd. I mean it's 2021 now and that in itself doesn't really seem real. Where did it all go? Everything is happening so fast. I would expect time to move slower here in Perth at least, but I suppose this is an indication to let go of my notions about this place being stagnant. Perth may be small and boring but that doesn't affect my life anymore, I'm no longer attached to this place and so my body cycle no longer lags with it. Anyways, it's around 9.30am right now and I'm just going on this tangent. I'm suffering from a flu (one that I cannot even go to the GP about as they'll fear I have Covid, which I don't and I have sound reasons to know so), and it's sort of made me wanna get back into writing. It's a weird concept because I go long periods of time where I don't write and I just make myself feel shitty about it. Everyone always says that writing is a skill that needs to be practiced everyday to perfect and then when I end up going months without producing any good work I just feel like maybe I'm not made to do this, but then I'm like maybe I'm not letting myself achieve what I'm capable of because I'm plain lazy.  Anyways, now that I'm sick and feel gross again, I suddenly have the urge to just type away whatever pops into my head. It's the only consistent thing with my writing- to start pouring out everything once I feel disgusting. Maybe it's an attempt to let go of the weight little by little that feels like it's been pushing my head under the mud (does that even make any sense). 

Finished this piece in Cervantes

Now onto another rant for a bit because again, I need to get this weight off me too, and because my fingers seem to just be tying away at this point (making up for all those months I didn't), I've come to the realisation (and I knew this before, but now it's a lot more apparent, perhaps because it's been happening a lot more often) that I have absolutely no idea or no way to predict the new types of emotions and feelings I'm going to encounter as I age. I don't known what about this concept irks me so much- I mean I understand that it makes me feel helpless because of the uncertainty and uncomfortabity but then why do I respond so severely to this than I do to any other aspects of my life that I know will change with time? I know I can delve into my psyche a lot here and conclude that it's what I have the least control over- how changes in my life that are out of my hands will inevitably impact my emotions and how i have absolutely no control over that- but I guess I'll tone it down a tad now. It's just that in the past couple of months I have had to encounter and sit with new emotions that were brought on by situations or circumstances that I never thought I'd have to face. It was even more disarming I guess because I'm such an over-thinker and I make sure I evaluate every single possibility when it comes to anything, and so to have been so thrown off guard recently, so many times, by happenings that I didn't account for, made me feel helpless beyond what I can explain. It doesn't scare me, it just bothers me that I didn't even consider any of those situations a possibility. However, I'd say a thing I truly cherish about myself is my ability to take any of these feelings- no matter how inconvenient- and flip it on it's head and remind myself that I can always take away a great story/ poem/ work of art etc. if I look at it as a lesson and an experience and not just something thats positioned me to lose something or someone or that has 'set me back'. 

As a writer, I take everything that happens to me as an opportunity to be written about, and I'll keep that with me even with the future unpredictable situations and feelings that are to inevitably show up.

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