Frustrations within me

Okay, I'm back, and I'm hoping that this time I don't go MIA for 4 months. To try and explain, not only to my readers, but also to myself, where I've been and what I've been doing the past 4 months, I've decided that I'll just type out my stream of consciousness, in the hopes of making sense to the both of us why writing hasn't been my priority, or rather why I can't get myself to write.  

I'm going to simply start off by talking about the 3-month holiday I was on. After finishing the first year of uni and starting my second year; from late October 2018, to early February of 2019, I was in Perth and Bali. I took this time to step away from writing and creating content and called the retreat my 'much-needed break from writing'. Did I need a break? Definitely not, and I regret it immensely now as trying to get back into a routine of writing and making sense of my work has been extremely difficult. It's like I've lost my ability to come up with content that is meaningful or interesting to myself, and if I can't seem to enjoy my own content, how can I expect other to have any interest in it? I'm severely lacking in the ability to think outside the box and to come up with blog posts which I feel are good enough to publish or showcase. Even during the course of typing this out, I feel extremely frustrated with myself as I can't seem to have my way with words as I used to. 

I know what I want to say, and I know what I feel, but trying to put the two together, into words that will express myself has been torture. An addition to that has been the great sense of pressure I feel is on me. Throughout the past few months, the number of people telling me they like my poetry or my blog has increased by a lot, and despite how grateful I am for all the support and positive feedback, there is now this fear within me, of letting them and myself down, which has been disruptive, to say the least. I try and sit down to work on a poem or post, but there is this voice in my head, irritating me with the constant questions and self-doubt, "Is this good enough?"; and yes, of course, I used to ask myself this question before too, but now the question is no longer only being asked by me to myself, but rather by the voices of hundreds.

I've been planning on making a few posts about what I did during those 3 months, perhaps in a form of a picture post with my Bali photos, a little travel post, along with a few poems, trying to encapsulate the emotions I encountered during my vacation, (as there were a lot, to say the least) but again, I feel as though I am no longer able to word them in a way that will please me, or encompass what I want to put across. Nothing I create seems to be satisfying. Nothing I come up with makes me proud. 

On the plane back to Melbourne, I wrote down a poem, and usually, when I write something out spontaneously and then go back over it in a few days, I'm wowed at what I had come up with and can easily edit it and be satisfied with the end result. 

Yesterday, I decided to go to a park nearby, sit by the river and try to write. I opened that poem and I couldn't make sense of it. I had thought it would be so much better than what was on those pages. It didn't wow me, it didn't make me proud of myself. I was so disappointed with what I read. It's been so frustrating to be in this headspace recently, especially because I've never experienced this sort of block before, one that I forced upon myself by thinking I needed a break from writing.

It was overwhelming to sit there, try to edit this piece of work, which I had thought I did so well on previously, but have it turn out into a complete piece of nonsense. I even tried to look over a few notes I had taken on my phone, about some feelings I wrote about to try and guide me with a new poem, but I just couldn't seem to be able to come up with anything that satisfied me. 

This constant self- let down has been demeaning and discouraging. I want to put out new stuff, I want to create, I want to be able to write as before, but I'm just not able to. I keep trying to remind myself that this could very easily be a temporary block caused due to not having written for a fairly long period, losing my flow and that I'll be back on it as long as I keep practicing and keep writing, and not be so harsh on myself, but being here, right now is killing me. 

I put out a new video recently, as a start-up to some form of creativity. All I can hope for now is that I keep on trying and don't let my current state of mind get to me. I'm going to try and do more regular 'stream of consciousness' posts, or honestly, any sort of blog posts, just to keep me writing and practicing. I hope you'll come along with me on my journey of trying to restore my skill and interest, and that soon I'll be able to come up with poems and blog posts I'm pleased with, and ones that you'll enjoy too.