Judgement and Updates

This might be a really wordy and boring post for many readers but I'm learning not to do things to please others, but rather, to realise that sometimes doing what makes me happy is more important. 

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Not gonna lie, it was pretty difficult putting up my "18 things I've learned at 18" post up (my last post).  I’ve never really used this platform to publish personal content, I mostly just post arbitrary rants and photos I've taken but none of that is personal and even the poetry is often posted long after it's been written so I'm usually no longer in that headspace or it isn't that personal to me anymore as I would've moved on from feeling that way. 

However, I got a lot of positive feedback on that post and it was really encouraging, especially because I did it regardless of how unsure I was about posting it but I knew I had wanted to do it for a while and so I just went for it. 

I find it absurd that I still cannot get past the whole "what others might think" mindset because I really did think that moving away and living alone in a completely new place would almost reinvent me. When I was back in Perth, I used to watch this YouTuber that had moved away from home and lived alone in Japan. Watching her content made me really happy because she was posting these videos of her just cooking and talking to the camera as if she was talking to a friend and when I watched her I convinced myself that when I moved out, because I’ll no longer be living in what I consider my hometown or be surrounded by people from school who know me or by anyone who might have anything to say about my work, I won’t feel a sense of judgment, or I won’t feel this pressure to be ashamed about my content or what I want to post because I’ll be away, living on my own, being my own person and doing things how I want them. But moving here, really disappointed me in myself because I still don’t have that confidence. I am still afraid of judgment or people talking about my posts and making fun of them that it holds me back so much from expressing myself creatively and doing what I want.

Subconsciously, in my head, I had made up this idea that moving away from home and into a new city equals moving away from myself and into a new mindset and brain. But no, my fears and thinking followed me here too and now I’m not only still afraid of how people back home will judge me, but also all the new people who I've met here. And it honestly sucks so much. It sucks that I cannot be my own person and write down my thoughts and feelings. That I cannot post content without fear. Like the fact that in the greater scheme of things, all I'm doing right now is typing out my thought process. Why is that so difficult to do? Why do people judge? Does everyone not have concerns and streams of consciousness? I don't know, its just quite frustrating and I'm angry at myself and others. 

Updates: 

1. My BTS love has reached new levels, but listen to The Truth Untold and Tear: Outro from their new album and then read the English lyrics, please. They're stunning. 

2. I currently have exams going on, thus the sudden motivation to get back into blogging lol, a great form of procrastination 

3. I'll be going back to Perth soon 

4. Will also be going back to India 

5. Might be getting my first tattoo soon and I'm stoked (also slightly scared) but I'm not going to say what I want yet or where hehe

6. I have a lot of conflicting feelings right now about some aspects of my life that I've never felt confident with, and I'm trying to approach it logically this time but it has been very difficult and I often wish I could step outside this box that is my mind and not have to deal with these issues but I also know that if I don't do something about it, I'll never really be happy. 

7. Cannot wait to join the gym once I'm back from holiday, I'm so ready to get back into running and stuff it really takes my mind off of stuff and I just feel relaxed afterwards

8. Looking forward to some vain shopping and pamper trips as soon as I'm back home 

9. Excited to see my friends!!!

10. For the past week the only time I've left my house is to go do the groceries once and go to my exam, and other than that I've been at home and not met a real human in 7 solid days and it's taking a toll on me but also I feel oddly at peace. I might be going insane. 

11. I really really really want to figure everything out and be over with it and be happy (continuation from point 6) 

12. I ate dark chocolate just then and I kinda feel gross ugh 

13. The weather here is so unpredictable smh 

14. I have Ariana Grande's No Tears Left To Cry stuck in my head and I don't know how I feel about that. 

15. There is much more on my mind other than this, but again, judgment. This was a start though. 

16. My heated blanket is too hot right now, but also if I turn it down it's going to be cold

17. It's 1:37 pm and I need to sleep so I can get up tomorrow and get my ass to the library to study (It's not going to happen, I'm calling it right now) 

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Some recent updates:

18. Gave myself some ear piercings

19. Sort of figured out and worked on my 'conflicting feelings' from points 6 and 11. Don't have much else to say on that right now, it's still an ongoing process, however. 

20. Took myself to my first ever solo dinner date and I feel accomplished. I'm learning to enjoy my solitude. 

21. I have this sudden urge to get back into photography

22. My left eye is furiously twitching 

22. Back home in less than 2 days!! (I've mentioned Perth quite a lot but it felt weird to end this post on the note that my eye is twitching.)

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Another set of recent updates because I keep putting off publishing this post and time keeps flying by and things keep happening:

23. I'm back in Perth and my heart is so full 

24. Been having some great quality time w/ family and friends

25. Perth sunsets never disappoint 

26. I'll be in India in less than a week!

27. I worked on some poetry on the flight and although it not my best piece of work in terms of vocabulary and doesn't have that wow- factor, I'm just pleased that I finally got myself to write some more as it's been so long and I utilised my time on the flight so well (I really hate flights lol) 

28. I'm really proud of how I've dealt with my mental health this month, props to me. 

29. Caitlin, if you're reading this, just wanna say I love u so much dude. I just appreciate our friendship so much <3 

30. I'm excited to post my poetry(I feel the need to add a 30th update cause it doesn't feel right leaving it off at 29)