My brain right now

I just wanted to come on here and type some stuff out that's been on my mind so this post will be all over the place but I think I'm over it at this point. I don't really care for professionalism sometimes because I feel like it takes away from the authenticity of my work. I think sometimes I should just type and forget about who's reading it and whether or not it will make sense to everyone, just write for myself without a structure or deeper meaning. 

Things that've been on my mind

- I haven't been sad or stressed but I'm frustrated cause regardless, I don't feel stable. I just feel very plain. 

- I've submitted in a few pieces of work to magazines and stuff that will be printed and published soon, and they happen to be the same works that I was planning to put up on here but now that they've been accepted to be published hardcopy too, I've been waiting for those to be released to post them up on my blog along with a picture of the hard copy ones, so I haven't had much content on my blog recently. 

- I feel like I had a lot going for me when I was really busy like a week ago, which I think sucks. I need to be under constant pressure, so much pressure to the point that I feel like I'm going to break down any second to feel like I'll ever get something in life or that I'll ever accomplish something. If I'm not under great stress and burden due to uni, I just feel useless, which I think is quite toxic. 

- I've been hating the weather recently. I usually like winters so much more than summers, and I don't think I've ever complained about winter, just because I hate summers so much, but this time around it really feels like the cold is never going to stop. It's constantly rainy and the wind is cold and I have to carry around a jacket and wear so many clothes, it's been annoying. It'd be nice to have the sun come out for a bit, make it a bit warmer, but I know as soon as that happens I'll complain about the warmth. There is no way out. 

-  I'm currently lying on my bed typing all this out just because I want to feel not as guilty for skipping uni as I am. I just really don't feel like getting all dressed up and going to uni right now and sitting in classes with people I don't know and make small talk. I know it'll make me uncomfortable and self-conscious and I don't want to have to deal with that right now. Especially, the journey to get to uni, on trains and public transport. I never miss classes, but today is just not happening for me, so I think I'm going to stay home. 

- There have been a few things on my mind bothering me about people in my life, or the lack of them, which I would want to go into but I also don't want this to completely turn into a diary entry, even though it sort of already has at this point, but I'm not going to go into the specifics of people and who and why but yeah I think I just wanted to put this here because it is something that's been on my mind and hopefully in a few weeks or months when I read back, I'll feel differently. 

- I've realised recently, more than before, that I tend to assume the worst so often that it hinders me from doing so much. I don't get why I do that to myself because literally, nothing that bad has ever happened to me when I've done something, but in my head I create the worst possible scenario up and then conclude that that will defiantly happen and so I should just not even try, when in reality its never as bad as it seems. So, I've been trying to remind myself of that more often, mostly just thinking "when has what you've thought, the worst case scenarios, ever actually happened?", it hasn't transformed me suddenly,  but I'm glad I've been able to tell myself that and take little steps. 

Some more vain, straight to the point and dumb things that've been on my mind 

- How rich I want to be 

- How much I want to spoil my family (with the money that I'm rich with)

- How much I want to achieve

- How good Seesaw by Suga is, but also who hurt him enough to spark those lyrics???

- How many clothes and bags I want 

- How I want to say fuck it and bleach my hair and dye it like light pink or something because I'm bored and self destructive again ha ha.

Thanks for listening to my Ted Talk. 
(If you actually read this all the way through, ily)

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