Thought entry

8.48pm, on the 20th of February, 2019. I'm sat at the airport, waiting for my flight to Perth, 2 weeks before my second year of university starts. Its been a rather odd set of months for me; ones that have been difficult to deal with and have caused me pain. I really did think that 2019 was going to be a good year, one that will bring me success and happiness. One that I would make mine be proud of.

I'm usually not one to set out new years resolutions, but the beginning of this year made me genuinely believe that 2019 was going to be very good for me. The past few years had been quite difficult, but this time I had a gut feeling and I planned to keep a positive outlook on life and make sure I don't let anything get to me. Now, nearing the end of February, I can easily say that this year, so far has been the more torturous one. It's almost as if the world took one look at how optimistic I was about 2019, and do anything in its power to test that and destroy me.

Now, to those who've been reading my blog for a while, the format of this blog post may seem a bit odd. I've never used this space as a form of a diary (it might've seemed that way before though), but I told myself that I would write more frequently after my 3 month break, and so I've decided that I might as well start publishing my thoughts in this sort of diary entry format. It'll be cathartic for me, and hopefully, some of you could relate or just enjoy this content.

For the first few weeks of January when things started to go not- so- great, I tried to keep a positive outlook. My dad had recently brought to my awareness a guru named 'Osho' and his speeches, and although I would usually find people like him to be frauds and dismiss anything they say, one of his speeches, in particular, did stick with me. It was along the lines of happiness and how humans are the only species, aware of their existences and consciousness and can, therefore, CHOOSE to be happy, unlike birds or trees, which simply just exist; we can choose how we react or respond to a certain situation or circumstance, and this freedom of being able to make the choice is what allows us to torture ourselves.

And so, for many weeks, I kept this in mind and let it, along with the "everything happens for a reason" mentality, allow me to not make the worst of the shitty situations that seemed to keep coming my way. However, by the time it had hit February, and I had constantly encountered situations that kept triggering me.

There are several things that have led to what I'm feeling right now, things that are far too personal to share and things that I simply do not know how to explain. My family and GP have been made aware of how I'm feeling right now, and there is one constant question I'm being asked: "Why are you unhappy?". This question haunts me because although I can think of the hundreds of reason I might be unhappy, namely those which arose for the 2 months of bad luck and misfortune, I know that those are not truly the reason I feel uneasy and frustrated. I feel like this time, I've come so far along this route of self-loathing, that I can no longer pinpoint what is making me unhappy.

[I wasn't planning on adding this little note, but I wanted to let you know that I am in a much better headspace and feeling a lot better.]
9.20 am, on the 22nd of February, 2019. I'm sat in the living room of my Perth home.
As I reread and edited my thoughts from earlier, after arriving and being in Perth for 2 days, I think an answer which I hope to make acceptable for myself is the fact that right now, at this moment, I might not feel so great, but it's just for the time being. I'm someone that doesn't like taking help from anyone. I like being able to solve my problems on my own and keep my personal conflicts my own business. I have a hard time putting my trust in others and feel like a burden on anyone who reaches out to help.
I need to be reminded, that it is okay to get help. It is okay to seek comfort and aid. It will be okay.

No comments:

Post a Comment