Quarantine Notes

I have left it unedited 

Melbourne is in lockdown for a second time now and it's literally the first day of the restrictions being in place. I'm already spiralling downwards. When it happened the first time around, I kept myself buy with uni work and I didn't realise how much relief I felt knowing that my floor-mates were basically going through the same thing, because if they could do it, so could I. But this time around, it the fucking holidays. How am I meant to keep myself busy and occupied when I can't even leave the enclosure that are the 4 walls of my tiny student accomodation room. I know that there are worse things happening to people and my privileged ass sounds so stupid right now, but I feel trapped. I'm scared that I'll fall into the lap of depression again and I'll be in pain.  can try and tel myself that I am in control of how I make myself feel but it's difficult to keep repeating that to myself when theres not much else to occupy my brain with. I have a lot of worries about the next uni semester too and it all just seems so much. I had a thought the other day that what if my entire lifespan is spent in this virus infected world where there are constant restrictions and limitations. The thing it, that that is a very real possibility. I'm afraid that I'll spend my life, not really have lived it, trapped. 

I'm exhausted and tired but not enough to fall asleep too, I lie awake for hours on end and keep waking up mid sleep too, there is just so much frustration and hopelessness. A part of me knows that maybe the intensity of my emotions right now can be blamed on getting my period soon, I know I get over neurotic around that time of the month, but GOD do I feel just gross. 

Right now, I'm literally just typing for the sake of having something to do, so maybe I'll write out a brief description of my dream last night. It was sort of like the Indian movie Highway, I was basically getting infatuated by someone who worked for my family at my aunty's home back in Jaipur. I had just arrived from somewhere and he had helped my unload my luggage from a bus, only for it to all somehow fall out of the several bags I was carrying (?), but anyways I was repacking everything that had fallen out when I realised I had forgotten to pick up one of my suitcases from the bus that was stored in one of those side  storage spots busses usually have, and so basically I asked that guy who helped me to unload if he can go get it for me, but just then the bus left. So he called up the bus driver for me and went all the way to where the bus had travelled to, to get my suitcase for me and even put up with the grumpy bus driver (basically this man was simping me lmao). That's about what I remember from it. I know at some point I saw my parents there too and the there was a car driving past where I was sat and repacking my bags when the car suddenly made a loud sound and one of its wheels bursted (?). Anyways, I tend to forget what I dream most of the times so maybe to keep myself occupied throughout the day, if I do dream, I'll write about it. 

I woke up after a 3 hour sleep this morning, my body keeps waking itself up at such odd times. I'm always tired and I fall asleep so late, it doesn't make sense to me why I'd just wake up naturally after such a short amount of sleep. I do wish that when that happens though, I stay awake instead of falling back asleep because then I over compensate and over sleep. I eventually got out of bed around 1pm then.... I feel disgusting when I get up that late. There is no in between, but I guess today I didn't feel so guilty for sleeping in till that late because it is holidays right now, there is nothing much I can do since it's lockdown and I got my period. The things with periods is that it lets me feel sorry for myself. It lets me actually take a break without feeling guilty or without driving myself into depression, so even though I'm in physical pain, I can at least use that as an excuse to give myself a rest. 
I started watching the show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I needed something new to binge and I finished a whole season last night, but now that just means that I watched the good part of the show in one sitting. Just like any other show (except Brooklyn99) it just gets bad after season 1 and yeah it's already starting to disappoint 3 episodes into season 2.
I went out to pick up my takeaway a few hours ago and I'm surprised how many people are still out. It's like no one in this area wants to accept that there is a second lockdown, there are people everywhere and even the library was open?? By the time I got there though, it was going to close in about half an hour but I decided to just go in and look through a book or something just for a change in routine. I'm glad I went because honestly just being away from my room, even if it was only for 30 mins, kept me somewhat sane today. I just flipped through a book about Ancient Egypt. I wish the library was open on weekends, if it's still open next week, I'll definitely go in even if its just to read my own book but in a different space. 

Just came back from a quick trip to Coles. It didn't really feel like lockdown today, it was so gloomy and drizzling the entire day and usually when it's like this I don't think about leaving my house anyways so I didn't have this constant urge to be social or leave to do something. It wasn't until I stepped out in the dark to get some ice cream from Coles when it all sort of hit me again. It's only been like 3 days of lockdown and I really don't know how I'm going to make it through 6 more weeks of this. I'm grateful that I have the internet to keep me busy and my friends to always chat to but not having anyone irl is going to turn me insane. 
On another note, I made a curry today using one of those instant Japanese curry blocks and it tasted like this curry I love, which I used to pay $13 for, so it was a nice surprise that I could just make it myself. I usually hate cooking, I don't get people who enjoy it, it takes so much time and the whole thing is so subjective if you think about it. I don't have patience as it is so that probably adds to my dislike of it. 
I'm glad I've been writing everyday, even if its just sort of briefly recapping my day. Roald Dhal used to write everyday, regardless of if he had something to write about or not. Rupi Kaur also said somewhere that the key to being a good writer is just to do it everyday. They're both amazing writers and I mean if it worked for them, there must be something to it. I know for me, I produce my best work when I'm in the depths of my depression but recently I've been thinking about how long it's been since I created a fictional piece. I used to be so good at them in high school, when they gave us a picture and asked us to write a story around it. I remember everyone used to complain about about the task but honestly that used to be my favourite thing ever. I want to get back into doing it but I'm sort of scared that I don't have the skill anymore and that I'll just end up disappointing myself (or maybe I'm just being lazy). 


I am so sick and tired of seeing thin pretty girls I’m just so fucking over it. My eating disorder has been so triggered these past few days, it’s definitely the product of just sitting around in isolation without literally anything to do that has my head wrapped up in all sort of bullshit about myself. I know none of this shit really matters, my body weight, how I look and what size I wear are all such shallow things at the end of the day and when you look at it on the greater spectrum of things that should matter but it’s so difficult to be in love and live with yourself when the whole world seems to hate you for those exact reasons. I genuinely was getting better at accepting myself and I’m definitely in a better place than I was even last year but that’s why it’s so fucking frustrating to feel this about myself. Everywhere on Instagram are just thin girls, like how the fuck do I look at that and not think to myself that it’s my fault I don’t look like them and that if I looked like them then everyone and me would think I’m pretty because those girls are pretty. Like I’m not supposed to have a fat stomach and my such big thighs and if those other girls can be thin and elegant then why can’t I have that fuck I’m so tired.


It's been a difficult few days. I'm not doing too well with my mental health but at the same time what I'm feeling is so far beyond my current understanding of my emotions. I feel empty and helpless but at the same time I know there is no point dwelling on it. I didn't write the last 2 days, whats on my mind I cannot say. I guess I feel a bit better today, I'm just trying to distract myself from thinking about it all day. I am tired but its okay. 


Recently I've become more aware of my autonomy. I feel a lot more in control of my life and I feel like I'm developing a sense of self. I have always felt like a side character in my own story, as cheesy it is to put it like that, its been difficult for me to think of myself as my own person and make decisions for myself, I have always felt like I was 'someone's something', like my relations to others is what made me, rather than just having my own identity. Referring to Erik Erikson's stages of Psychosocial Development, I'm around the adolescents to young adulthood stage, which makes complete sense because in this period I'm having inner conflicts about Identity and Role Confusion, as well as Intimacy and Isolation. I can see how this chart fits in with my state of personal development and it's given me a peace of mind. 


The lockdown situation is not getting any better, and honestly I can't expect it to with how people are dismissing all regulations and rules. I'm glad that they're becoming stricter as the days go by and the number of cases increases, because its about time that we hold people accountable. I know its hard, its hard for me too, I want to have friends over, I want to have something to do everyday, I don't just want to be stuck in my room, but we don't have any other options right now. I'm so ready for this all to be over. These days I wake up and I have no agenda, I have no routine, I have nothing to do. Its frustrating. I get up, and spend the majority of my day just watching documentaries or movies, where is this all going to get me? 


I got tested for Covid yesterday, I've had some symptoms for a few days now so I thought I might have it. Getting it done was the most uncomfortable thing every. They stick it up your nose so high, worst feeling ever. I don't know, after I got home I just burst into tears. I felt so overwhelmed. There had been son much anxiety built up inside of me and I was tired and 


I feel so empty today. I woke up feeling a bit off anyways but I tried my best to lift up my mood with a workout, but throughout the day it just kept getting worse. I ended up going for a 2 hour walk, I don't know what I expected to get out of it because I'm back home now and my legs and back hurt so much lol. I just want to cry so I feel better, but I can't get myself to. I miss home too, but I know if I was back, within 2 days I'd just want to be back. It's frustrating not feeling home anywhere. I hope I get out of this funk soon because I really don't want it to spiral out of hand. I need to remind myself that the only thing I have control over is my state of mind and how I think about things. I know this will pass, it won't last forever. 

No comments:

Post a Comment